I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.