Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”