I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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i did the math
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning