WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
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The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end