My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
You Might Also Like
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
i think both sides are to blame here
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital