Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Made something I’m not proud of
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now