Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.