If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
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When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
More like Kate Missington.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
me and who
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”