people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
wtf management?!
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.