I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?