Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
This squirrel eats better than I do
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.