Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school