I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
You Might Also Like
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
How it started How it’s going
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…