Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that