When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes