Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me sliding into hell like
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
hmm conte-me mais
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente