Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.