I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
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LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?