You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Schrödinger’s cookie
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure