Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?