Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
🤣🤣🤣
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works