Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I really had high hopes for this year though
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret