*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent