ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone