Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
You Might Also Like
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“Sheer Arrogance”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????