Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Gemma Correll
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺