My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
s
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE