You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.