Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Y’all ready for this
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.