Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.