Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED