Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!