70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The absolute effort that went into this omg