“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
You Might Also Like
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…