I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.