20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!