ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.