I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
But is it really??
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!