[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
When I laugh on my period
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I gave up going to work for lent.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.