i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO