Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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buys donuts instead
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.