Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Received some very disappointing news today
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]