I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I like long walks away from everyone
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.