Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
The Onion called it…again.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
some Old Testament wisdom
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.