Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
some Old Testament wisdom
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.