Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!