*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.