My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Ape together strong
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.