A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
me irl
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Scream sneezers need love too.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.