john wicks are toilet candles
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?